Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Memories of Remberance: A Tribute to Never Forgetting


{1st installment}

I want to tell you a story:

You can fly.



That’s not this story though.

This is a different story. More about me:

That summer I don’t think anyone could say what was in the air. But we all took it in like a cat from the late June snow and cradled it in specially marked packages of frosted mini-memories.

You see, I was raised on a caramel farm right outside of Muncy, Indiana. We lived on seven acres, where in late October we would harvest the nougat and caramel in hand-woven baskets.

The sun hung low in the autumn sky, kind of like a briefcase wouldn’t. We looked at each other, but we couldn’t hear, so our senses of smell led us to the feeling that this would be enough caramel pickin’ for the night.

Well, that summer the marzipan was in season and we would shuck and pick the sweet treat off the foreheads of the lifeless unicorns buried in the snow.

I would laugh.

Then we would all take turns farting on Grandma.

When we were tired, we turned in. But that night I woke up as if in a dream (echo: dream, dream, dream). I walked toward the window and out in the fields were piles on piles of glowing, wooden sea lion skulls.

I laughed. And then tried to fart on my brother, but he just rolled over.

So, I farted on my own butt. And laughed because it reminded me of ice cream—really smelly, hot, putrid ice cream.

I’ll never forget how I remembered that memory.

With my memory.

I’ll never forget that.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Palace of Local Monstrosities to Close


Middle Earth-Tuesday

Local Mordor residents were shocked with news that it’s only gentle-orc’s club, The Meadows, will be shut down as of Thursday.

The news of the closure sent shock waves from Moira to Isengard as the establishment, founded during The Second Age, sometime after the fall of Numenor, was a pillar of class and savvy throughout the dry, barren, desolate steppes of Nurn. Offering stunning views of Barad-Dur and Orodruin, the club featured butterfly-eating competitions, Sauron Karaoke Wednesdays, and the famous Flesh-Stripping Cabarets featuring several happy, yet unfortunate passersby touring the Land of Shadows.

Receiving a boost from the Mordor Board of Tourism during the early 670’s The Meadows enjoyed great reviews from critics, most touting it as “the premiere place for empty ocular stuffed spider balls.”

The Meadows manager/owner Thromurth K’k, an orc himself, was disenchanted as he loaded a dragon-pulled covered wagon full of armor, swords and napkins.

“Gurrk sak hurrgle! Hurrgle!” K’k shouted.

Thromurth’s college buddy Vrirk Hurbag translated for elevendy twelven: “I guess this is how they thank you for holding up the entertainment standards in this soul-forsaken, piss stain excuse for a town!” Obviously, K’k does not feel the need to hide his disappointment in the decision.

An open auction will be held this weekend to distribute the unused corpses and silverware. Though Mr. K’k plans to open a Circle K© in Orthanc, he still is a little weepy as he gazes back at the gaping cave-hole adorned with trees made of bodies, skeletons and excrement that served as his once-famous and well-received establishment.

Board members showed up to help load Thromurth’s wagon, but after several bitten faces, Mr. K’k called the group a bunch of “Ash-holes” and flew away on his getaway dragon.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Dirty Talk, Vol. 1: Physical Scientist, geomorphology edition

- Get lost in my hairy estuary.
- I have business with your isthmus.
- I felta your delta.
- My peninsula is now surrounded by you on three sides.
- My cape wants your cove.
- Woo my dunes.
- You are so seismic right now.
- Coat the wetlands with volcanic ash.
- I like it from the backwater terrace.
- Mark your marsh for geologic surveying.
- Atoll (sexy by itself)
- I want you to swim in my man-made lake, or reservoir.
- Hold tight to my stalagmite.
- I’m growing crystals in my cave.
- Hold on! Slope my beveled cut.
- Pet the aquitard. Pet it!
- Let me till your badlands.
- Wade in the backswamp.
- Stand by for the eruption of my Sentinel Bluffs Member lava flow, which marks the end of Grande Ronde Basalt volcanism, the most voluminous period of the Columbia River Basalt Group!!

Monday, March 05, 2007

Thoughts on Jesus' Tomb

Sorry Sha*e's Father,
I had to catch your attention? Anyways, on a serious note, I've pin pointed the coordinates of the freckles on your bald noggin and I've found Jesus's skeleton. Now this is a matter that we cannot take lightly, for I will not give these bones to the James Cameron Foundation unless we have an agreement that I get to see these bones three times a week.
I've proposed a plan:
Monday 12.30-2p: Lunch with bones.
Wednesday 3.00-4p: Massage with bones.
Sunday 11.30-1p. Brunch with Mary Magdalene's bones
(You know what I'm talking about).

If this does not fit your schedule please contact me, or if there is any concern with the bone's safety during our special time let me know.

I look forward to hearing from you.
Love,
MILK DUD

P.S. 10% off the top straight to God.
P.SS. Rest your space face next to mine?
P.Sx3. Have you seen Sh*ne? I have.
P.Sx4. You should read The Road by Cormac Mcarthy.

Peace out Dog. Keep it real, thug ass.