Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A chance to reclaim our spot. We look at the natural world, and ask it to go fu*k itself.

Quit faking it. Of course you probably think that due to the looping filaments of glowing gas extending much farther from your central star that you're off the hook, but I do believe that you're the first nebula I have found to be completely full of sh*t. You are what is referred to in the streets... as a trick ass bitch. And you, you!, will never be my only one.

Hello. You star clusters just don't get the picture. Judging by this 'picture' us humans obviously do. We caught you guys with your galactic pants down, and your space dicks whipped the fu*k out and Earth has had enough. This is the most ridiculously slow and unacceptable orgy we have ever seen and we have seen a lot. You guys get TV out there? No? What about all your favorite NY sports teams in stunning HD? Nothing? No entertainment value. Fu*k space.

Look at this sparkly bag of sh*t. You wouldn't even know if there was a problem with your shiny attitude, because your head is so far up your star-ass! All of the asses of your stars. -- And look at that little piss-ant spiral galaxy in the lower right. If that guy doesn't hide the fact that he loves Gossip Girl and the occasional space reach around, then I'm not a human stuck on a really small planet, writing hateful things about, oh I don't know... Fu*k Space maybe?

The moon has long been associated with romance and the search inside the human soul to find meaning in our world. To this I say, did you guys forget werewolves? Yeah, cos they will, along with being seriously sexy young men seducing Kristin Stewart in a forest, rip your fu*king fingers off, shove them in your eyes and asshole, and then feast on the corpulent remains of your once stupid face. PhotoShopped or not this does not make any sense. The moon is dangerous. No way. No thanks.

This is about the scariest thing I've ever seen. It's like Dracula took a sh*t after eating a gallon of glitter glue and motor oil. You'd think that being the unofficial Lord of the Undead he would stick to blood, but it would appear that even Dracula has fallen for the magic of space. Fu*k both space and now, sadly, Dracula. Let's look at the stats, hmm? No oxygen - below zero - radiation - Oh I don't know...fu*k you and, yes: fu*k space.

Alright you guys. Break it up. Go home. What? You are home. Well fu*k my hand! Get a job sir! You'd think that my tax dollars go to helping the people who need it, but here you folks are, light years away from any sense of dignity. Hanging out at all hours of the space-day, looking for something to smoke or shoot, drinking all types of dust. I say again...fu*k space.

You folks just don't get it. Do you? Right in the middle of SPACE, where everyone (with a seriously high-powered telescope floating above Earth's atmosphere with the ability to compile composite images of the universe using infrared, ultraviolet light, far-field gravitational lensing, and radio waves) can see? You guys make me want to spray my favorite shag carpet with vomit, induced from eating a wig and a broccoli Hot Pocket at the same time. I could probably squat down, right now, and make something that has more grace and courtesy than you two fly out of my ass at the speed of s*it! Do not ever test me.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Bar 6 List

The following are $100.00 movie ideas -
  • Racist Couch Dealer - Race issues dealt through couch.
  • Romantic glass blower teaches retarded Eskimo the subtly of life. Dies in an accident, glass accident; Eskimo takes over.
  • Trees...so silent, so quiet, not particularly dangerous....
  • Man, lonely man, who names brand new shades of color for a paint company. Some wacky broad shows him the light...green.
  • Blowfish life, from the blowfish perspective.
  • Balcomy - Master architect; master of the art of balcony, turns the feature to magic. Marries a woman who shits paper cranes.
  • Miles Davis' horn is full of guns. So is Charlie Parker's.
  • Talbot SweetApple - Handles issues. Tackles tissues.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Open Letters

Dear Planets,

You should all trade in your nickel cores.


Craig T. Neasiles


Dear Planet,

Hey. So the other day, when you drank like ten Earth beers and said you'd be OK to go home--I thought you were a truthful planet. Seems we're all a little bit silly, even gigantic planets.

Call me. I wanna break up.

Amanda S. Squires


Hey Amanda,

I'm so sick of this! You just want me to be like you! I'm a Man-Planet, not a Planet-manda. My times are precious! I wanna break up with you! And I'm a World, Amanda. A freakin' World. You should be ashamed.

I still, in your kind of forever, will remain your,



Eff you and your telegrams.




This message from the Criag T. Neasiles Foundation:

I before E except after you properly fix the title roofing on my Spanish roofing title bungalow and make smoothies and touch my thanks.

Sincerly, Juna Takingstem

Thanks you to much high ness and heaven. Goodnights and the give much.

Eku Beer review:
Muffled in a Friar's Blanket.

Rocket of Red White Regret.

Colt 45:
A Complex Individual Always Stumbling.

Steel Reserve:
Space Beer somehow gone wrong.

Available at Your Local Walgreens.

Brooklyn Brewery:
Smal Wherehouse made for beering.

Samuel Adams:
The Nahthern Shores of plenty.

No it doesn't.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Scary Science {No.1}

EVOLUTION: Yeah or Neigh

We live in a world comprised of millions of cells. Cellular structure and function is the cornerstone to all natural sciences. Evolution would lead you to believe that one of these cells, located in your body, used to be inside this guys body….

I have a huge differ to beg. That's buried-alive scary.

Playing second fiddle to some ancient swimming rat is not where my cells used to be. Some say that horses are whales who were once into swimming…

Does this look like a horse-whale?

The explanation for this 6th grade art contest scribble is….

“Whales evolved from split-hooved land mammals. Very little is known about the animals that first ventured into the water, so drawings are entirely speculative.”

This sh*t is frightening.

Art Day!

{Some of the following are from the interestingly uneasy mind of elevendy twelven, others are not. But all display an aspect of genius that only comes from the most basic of color of Cyan...}

Cobbler Robber - Displays the inner-most wanton need to both have and steal cobbler. May also refer to some other definition of cobler; the double "b" may be there to throw uneducated viewers through a creamy pie-like hoop. By Walter Shovelsfull.

Flesh eats Watermelon, Finally - This piece speaks to the desire to have it all: movement, eyes, watermelon. Yes, feel the need. By Matt Jason.
Hospitals R' Fun - Need we say more? By Janet Shuttleford.

Man of Dreams if your dreams include Beaches and Space - Yes, note the hair. The excess both on the head and the chest is a metaphor for the duality of humankind, both the commander of life and the commanded. So real and combing. By Margot Ennial
Altered Hue-Man - Sometimes things have to explode out of you to really get your attention, be it sadness or caffeine excess. This piece articulates that to a bloody "t". And, reflexively, Red Bull may be the bloody tea of a generation. By Alex Novelsworth.

Friday, February 20, 2009


According to the following slide, you have apparently gone way too far.