Blog Topics

- No room on my shelves for trophies, so I place them on the window ledge. Passer-bys are astonished, yet they don't know why and for what I have received these trophies. This is an actual window in the UWS-upper west side.
-In clown college I was known as the class not-clown...guilty of not clowning around.
-I'm so nice I failed out of villain school. (old, however classy)
- The sun also sweats.
- This too shall pass...gas.
- In my closet there are only enough hangers for all my hangables. Today I found at least 4 of them not hanging anything. I want answers!
- Aidsvertisment---now THATS catchy!
- A round table discussion with animals on why we shouldn't kill them. No one attends=animals killed.
- A round table conversation with plants on why they don't shape up. Only cauliflower shows up and we go out for drinks. Awkward pauses only articulated by the weird "come back to my field for a cup of coffee"-type comments. End result=plants shape up.
- The middle of the USA is located in Rugby, Nebraska. The tallest structure is also in Nebraska--a TV antennae 2,039 ft. tall.
- Children of the Gilded Age, bobbing for chunks of copper. This is the origin of the phrase "Go for Gold!" But gold didn't come into it until later. This also brought dental hygiene into fashion.

Local Rapper Battles Baby Panda, Wins

VS.

Ronald Shortblock reporting

RIFLE, CO––MC Chillability showed his self-quoted “Freeziness” to a wowed-out crowd as he crushed a baby panda with rhyme lasers last night.
It was due to be a massive battle, a struggle of wit and cleverosity, but ended in panda-shaped shame. Venom like this came from Chillability:

You'll high five me then I slap your face
You can't pull peace treaty Asian panty waste
I'll flood your homeland like the 3 fu%#in' Gorges
Take your mom panda some flowers that are gorgeous
I'll destroy ya'

Such lyrical face-melting like this was usually followed with an obscene gesture, Chillability’s secret intimidation technique, and at one point he spit in the face of the stupid, stupid panda. The small animal’s only reply to such debasement, if one could call it a reply, was:

hrghnhghr... Slurgh.

In all fairness, yes, it rhymes, but is nowhere close to witty or coherent, two things that the judges look for in such verbal bullet-based blitzkriegs. A fact Chillability knows all too well. Please note other licks of the organic box-cutter that is his tongue:

Your a long way from China b*tches
Like my dishes
I'll choke your Yin if you touch my Yang
I'll cover you in curry and feed you to orangutans
I’ve reached 3rd base with like 20 sluts
While you were busy comin’ out ya’ momma's butt

Has a heavier truth ever been told? The crowd last night--some of which were Chillability’s own “The ChillBillies” entourage--thought not, while the panda just sat and had the look in its cowed eyes like it had just been molested in the mouth a little bit.

The Numbers

• 83: the percentage of sadness at which you can operate a motorcycle without crashing
• 10: the most traumatic age for fingerless persons
• V: stands for vagic, Roman numerically speaking
• 6: the number of cars you think you parked last night
• 2: percentage of love for sloth-eating eagles in the rainforests of Borneo
• 1: number of impressive sloth-eating eagles in Borneo
• 0: the difference it makes in previous statement about love for these flying cowards
• 7: I’ll kick that number’s ass anyday
• 8: is just a vertical ballsack
• 420: Caloric intake by Dead Head fan Moonbeam Peterson, all in muffins and dried fruit
• 49: the number of times you've tried to leave your bi-polar spouse
• -346,738: the rate, mph, of a speeding comet approaching itself
  

Curd vs. Whey, part VII

CURD GETS KICKED TO CURB!!!

Yogurt:
Stop picking your nose.

Cottage Cheese:
I don't have a nose.

Yogurt:
Really?

Cottage Cheese:
Yes.

Local Child Stretches The Truth

Terra Haute, IN
by Dr. Slacks Meridian, Child Psychologist

It's official. The illustrator of the attached drawing is obviously not correct in interpreting reality. There is no way, logistically, this pet exists. Or that its name is Dakota.

Hours Wasted

- The Banana tree is in danger. Like the Oak has never felt.
- We spent our night naming toilet paper (Soft & Touch…The Fighting Wipe).
- How would you ambush someone in space?
- The latest cosmetic magazine from Conde Nast Publications, Lips and Chests.
- Cornell West is the black Lauren Hutton. (period)
- My friend poops like a cat.
- Cars are human tow trucks.
- Feet are hands gone wrong.
- Note to self: Always say ‘bitch’ after you hit the weed.
- Knead my sex loaf.
- “Ask somebody the next time you see them.”
- There are no kittens in Kosovo.
- Standing the taste of time.
- I find myself being critical of everything I don’t do.
- “Can I get your email? I’m much different in words.”
- Expand. Achieve. Excieve.

An Open Letter to Animals

Dear Aardvark,
I wonder sometimes about your dedication? You think because you have the ability to sneak, under the detection of desert predators, you're immune to the same demands put on us by human society? Joke's on you asshole. So what! Your teeth have no enamel coating and are worn away and regrow continuosly . Is that a gift? Because last time I checked, that was reserved for sharks, shit for brains. Do you eat ants? No? Thought not.
love,
Jake


Dear Manatee,
What's up cloudy butt? Fat much? Yeah, look in my propeller. I feel sorry for you and your father manatee. You guys cruise the Keys lookin for free handouts, but the Good Fat Lardy-Pop stops here! I want nothing more than to eat a slice of Dugong Quiche, or blast my next dope rhyme printed on fat ass mammal paper! You're a disgrace,
I love you,
Jake
p.s. your a douche floating loser


Dear Meerkat,
Is that a new trick you learned? Being a total whimp? You are the Joy Behar of the animal kingdom. I see you once, I'm interested. One more time, I want to spork my eyes out, you filthy bag of monkey leftovers spiked with prarie dog refuse. How is that CD of your college band going? Sounds pretty good Meerkat...your Joe Satriani covers blew me away! I just shit your pants, call me,
Yours forever,
Jake