An Open Letter to Animals

Dear Aardvark,
I wonder sometimes about your dedication? You think because you have the ability to sneak, under the detection of desert predators, you're immune to the same demands put on us by human society? Joke's on you asshole. So what! Your teeth have no enamel coating and are worn away and regrow continuosly . Is that a gift? Because last time I checked, that was reserved for sharks, shit for brains. Do you eat ants? No? Thought not.
love,
Jake


Dear Manatee,
What's up cloudy butt? Fat much? Yeah, look in my propeller. I feel sorry for you and your father manatee. You guys cruise the Keys lookin for free handouts, but the Good Fat Lardy-Pop stops here! I want nothing more than to eat a slice of Dugong Quiche, or blast my next dope rhyme printed on fat ass mammal paper! You're a disgrace,
I love you,
Jake
p.s. your a douche floating loser


Dear Meerkat,
Is that a new trick you learned? Being a total whimp? You are the Joy Behar of the animal kingdom. I see you once, I'm interested. One more time, I want to spork my eyes out, you filthy bag of monkey leftovers spiked with prarie dog refuse. How is that CD of your college band going? Sounds pretty good Meerkat...your Joe Satriani covers blew me away! I just shit your pants, call me,
Yours forever,
Jake