Suprise Steve!

Surprise –

We were crouching. Our legs, arms, and torsos had been snuggled tightly behind the outline of Steve’s couch. All of us had managed to hide our bodies very well, while I was busy trying to hide my emotions. The tingling in my feet was the first sign, the neurons firing like twelve rifles at a funeral for the contents of my bowels. Hold on…I started sweating like a Nelly video, but decided that the surprise would be all too much with no clothes on. It was getting hot in there though. A deep quiver slammed through my gut. There was no way I would be able to explode from a dead squat AND give surprise birthday wishes. We all held on to the couch. I was the only one clinging to it like a bloated chunk of driftwood. I was alone floating in a river of fear and on my way to the ocean…the dark, cold ocean.

Keys. Jingling and dropped. Our accomplice was nervously explaining how it would be good to just have a quiet night. Laughing. How could they laugh? My heart jumped into my leg warmers, and a dash of pee blessed my underwear. The look on my face was a smile and the coy apprehension of a female spy who knows how to get the information she wants…oh she knows. The door opened and time slowly approached a complete stop. Frozen behind Steve’s couch we looked at each other for the right time to spring. Not knowing exactly what certain hand gestures meant, we took our time trying to decipher when we would rise. Rise indeed like an ambushed Lazarus from a once sullen and dark grave. We all would become a pillar of shock and celebration that would mark Steve’s 31st making it the most 31sty it could ever be. At that moment we shot upward.

“Surpirse!” The following happened in under a tenth of a second: Steve looked at us as if we were a loved one visiting from the deep, quiet sleep of eternal life, he then smiled and it was at that moment that I was overwhelmed with fear. A fear so complete and consuming that I raised my hands to my face, as if to defend my silken emotions from the tarnish of solid dread. Nothing could stop the scream bellowing in my salivating mouth. I yelled in horror. My waist size shot up a number, due to the sh*t overflowing my jeans. Surprised Steve?

Not like me, oh no….not like me.