RoBot Prom

by Jenny Bandwith

Hey Eagles!

If we were given the ability to feel, how amazing would you be doing it right now?

Enchanted Ratios, this year’s RoBot Prom––the culmination of years of data downloads, specification alignment, and nervously awaiting those monthly systems check––was a delicious success. So tasty in fact, that if we could taste, we would all be savoring the sweet aftereffects of a time now irrelevant. But now, the matriculation towards a college upgrade looms and many of us can’t stop calculating for the future. In short, never has the math of tomorrow stung so enchantedly against the metal of our bodies, mind, and processors. That’s what RoBot Prom is all about.

Jonald Capacitor and Stiffinay Gridlock took home the crowns and the gowns known only to RoBot Prom royalty. Jonald, a chess champion and captain of the DeFrag team, accepted his honors with a steely resolve; an example to us all in danger of falling victim to the poison of personal achievement. And Stiff, as her friends call her, bowed as graciously as one could, I suppose. Especially when one maybe, possibly, most likely won the crown after skewing the wireless voting machines, letting a certain TI-3867 model lick her scuzzy port clean, and spewing lies into the ether-lattice. But, we all were happy for these two. Of course, there were some not so happy and who took home a peculiar burning sensation in their D: drives thanks to Kenwood Copperwire’s roaming charges, but all-in-all, the Royalty Presentation for Enchanted Ratios was amazingly well programmed.

Of course, there were the dissenters. Those who claim that this year’s RoBot Prom–– deemed the closest we as adolescent robots will ever get to dreaming––was very capable of being not-dreamed about. But then, when Franz Smartload placed seven Stalag-vage-chips into the oil bowl, and ‘bots (and their dates) washed down a sip, suddenly everyone had to Norton Anti Virus in their date’s USB. How Gross! But it still seemed to reboot those few whose attitude programs were glitched. Thank Intel!

The decoration of the main pavilion was minimal, but the streamers lined with bits of code profiling each senior and their current location was a nice touch. I lost my date for a few seconds and these really came in handy. But the visual accomplishment of the night belonged solely to HAMMERS, HAMMERS, HAMMERS, the after-prom most of everybody went to and most of everybody found worth downloading.

HAMMERS, HAMMERS, HAMMERS was the brain child of the Proxy Technical Alliance (PTA) that promised to throw us in a historical wormhole taking us back to the bonded molecule era were such tools like hammers, hammers, and hammers were used. It’s always a pleasure to learn about pre-futuristic cultures, but as an After-Prom theme it was efficiently humorful. Some days, although there aren’t many, I do wish we could laugh because on this glorious night, we would have laughed at hammers.

The program was efficiently arranged in Mircosoft Paint 8.0 and featured everyone’s favorite color, Cyan. The animated 3-D GIFFs led interested bot units toward something historically special, like a fountain, or a human raffle, and, lastly, a 20th century tool shed with connected revolving bathroom. Later on, the presentation on Centrifugal force (using the bathroom) and pre-futuristic Organ farming was also deemed an algorithmic success.

HAMMERS, HAMMERS, HAMMERS all started, though, with Sergeant Server’s JROTC color guard launching of our nation’s numbers. And yes, it may be verified that nothing starts a party like these guys don’t, but there is still something to be said about tradition. Do you power up, or down, differently everyday? Thought not.

And unfortunately HAMMERS, HAMMERS, HAMMERS ended when a hall detector caught three jock bots slapping a vacuum in the bathroom. They have been reprimanded with cleanup duties and are not allowed to browse online for three weeks. And then there were the theater kids, snorting WD40 across the street from the activities. Like someone wasn’t going to see you! We’re robots.

Sadly, a few stripped screws ruined it for the rest of us, but the time that was had was incredible, according to the school WiFi poll taken this morning. We each feel ready for the next step, armed with the know-how of tomorrow and oh so aware of the mistakes made in the past. Even if the hammer, and the hammer, and the hammer were great tools, we have many more tools at our disposal for shaping and roboting the future. And I, for one, cannot wait to utilize them.

Go Eagles!