Whole Foods has released its most sought-after product to date: a tote bag. The canvas Anya Hinmarch–designed bag had New Yorkers waiting for hours in lines that stretched around city blocks. The main draw of this tote––the most basic of bags, two straps and a bucket of material––is the stitched “I’m not a Plastic Bag” message across the side. Meant to raise awareness concerning the dangers and environmental pitfalls of the plastic grocery sack, this tote and its bubbly, sewn letters has become the summer statement of underarm fashion. The appeal comes from the pitch-perfect mixture of ironic missive and eco-awareness, and, of course, the honesty of the text. It indeed is not a plastic bag. But why stop there? Why not come clean about yourself and motives? For the next round of totes, I have some suggestions for Whole Foods:1. I’m a Basic Marketing Strategy – It doesn’t get more candid then this on a tote. This acknowledges that people are walking billboards, so read the slogans. Next thing you know, you’re in Whole Foods convinced you need soy bubble bath solution.
2. I was Purchased on Ebay for $200 – Yes, these bags are online and, yes, they sell for preposterous amounts of money. With this, you’re not so much into Whole Foods or getting rid of plastic bags; you’re more into putting out the perception that you’re into Whole Foods and getting rid of plastic bags. Public assumption is not cheap.
3. I Carry Groceries More Expensive than Your Rent – Not everyone can afford the top-of-the-line organic fish, spinach or wheat grass. We may all want it, but a head of lettuce at C-Town is $1.28 while the new Whole Foods on Houston Street boasts a smorgasbord of leafy greens that cost more then the two-train trip to get there.
4. I’m Going to Make the Environment Trendy – As much as environmental conservancy turned fashionable might cause some to cringe, it’s probably the first realistic step toward change. Next, look for totes emblazoned with “Oil is for Losers” and “Al Gore is Handsome” dangling off the shoulders of Bono and Sting.
5. I Came Here to Find a Date but Ended Up with This Bag – Recently Whole Foods was revealed to be where the New York single and lonely gravitate. It makes sense; finding a boy- or girlfriend can be just as challenging as trying to find white bread made without bleached flour. Whole Foods has both, sometimes in the same isle.
6. I’ll be Left At a Friend’s House in Three Days – How many totes really go the distance and stick around for years? Not many. So choose wisely when traveling with said tote, you might accidentally bestow a fashion gem to a friend when you rush out to catch the train.
7. I'm a Goodie Bag from the Wild Oats Buy-Out Party - What does a company do when it purchases its only real competitor, like Whole Foods did last month? It throws a party. This bag came complete with actual crushed wild oats and various Monopoly game pieces.
8. I’m Saving the World Better Than You – Have the tote be the ultimate in school-yard bravado. Be sure that everyone who reads this is aware that you wearing the tote in public dwarfs anything they might ever conceive of in terms of world salvation.
9. I ♥ Tote Readers – If you use a tote with writing on it, you mean for people to read it. Why not show some compassion for those of us who take the four seconds of our lives to interpret your patterned shoulder bag? Honestly, we’re usually disappointed so a little empathy would go a long way.
10. I’m That Somewhat-Annoying College Student Whose Sense of Humor Revolves Solely Around Pointing Out the Obvious in Bag Form – Pretty self-explanatory.
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