Adventures with Baby

{Adventures with Baby is a monthy installment that allows us to look deep inside the consciousness of one of America's own. The strained, waste-strewn box is this modern culture and he is the man-boy, only to allowed to grow as much as this life will allow.}

The child awoke to a bad case of the bends. Grasping the night before, a night of revolution, holding the choice laser of destiny ... the old ,shoot first and ask questions later. It wasn’t so much the daily exercise of swimming in his oblong fish bowl full of scotch that brought the destruction of his machine but more the long exhausting adventure through the no-name roads of conversation. Her name was Shit Dick, Veronicolin, or something. She held a cup of skull which made him think she was a real Viking of sorts, wearing a blood stained shirt and crushing her breast into a big, tamed beast she named, ‘my man’.

-Main stream hip-hop is destroying Africa with all the cocaine drug trafficking going on.

-Where did you learn this?

-It’s a fact.

The child stared into his empty cup while his companion conversed absurdities to the Viking. He kept taking sips of his ghostly drink so not to speak. The Viking could tell he was hiding something. She attacked. While on her rampage of belittling the child he stared deeper into his cup. He could see his reflection in the stubborn droplets of vodka and realized why God was doing this to him. He first thought it was because of his appearance. The childish face full of childish stubble. Damn, baby forgot to shave again, you fucking baby. Short soft hair that hadn’t fully come in yet.

-Why don’t you like Ol’ Dirty Bastard?

-Because he’s old, dirty, a bastard, and he’s dead.

The child left the room and went on his way home. It was a dark fuzzy night. He relied on his cigarette to guide him through the streets. When all had fallen silent he dreamt of Russell Jones screaming and clawing at his coffin, crawling from the depths to fight Vikings. Scratching the surface. The woman who was sworn in to take care of the child, to watch baby, placed the little man in the shower. The water was hot.

-We listen to intelligent political rap.

-Shit dicks.

Getting more annoyed with his memory he tried to get his mind on to better things. In the shower, he looked down noticing his new friend. An oddly shaped fellow. He wished that he had the same powers that this friend had, the power to grow into one strong large muscle. Thinking how it would have helped earlier that night, during the ongoing Viking blaze of mayhem. If only I could do that! What would she say then! He finished.

That day he had to work a double shift of mindless running back and forth, holding burning plates in his palms while entertaining the anonymous. How can these people allow a baby to work this many hours? I wish my mind had the narrator’s voice from the wonder years, I don’t even hear anything. Whatever happened to Fred Savage? Whatever happened to Winnie? God damn my allergies are killing me. He sneezed throughout the entire day. Why doesn’t anyone say bless you? I’m always on top of it, for all I know Millhouse might be right and my unblessed sneeze has erased everything that’s good and everything I’ve achieved. He was picked up by his caretaker who drove him to their neighborhood bar.

3 Rumpelmintz and 6 Papts later he could be seen 360 degrees around the bar dancing and singing Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s return to the 36 chambers. He noticed he was being watched but did not care for these people did not get it, but he realized a character was paying close attention to him. An oddly looking fellow: a man in makeup, a she with Captain America’s jaw line, a sausage smuggler in a skirt. He approached the man-her. Throughout the one sided flirtatious conversation, he cornered the decision to employ a science experiment on his two buddies who had joined him for drinks.

-What’s your name?

-Janet.

-Would you like to smoke some weed Janet?

-Yes.

Leaving the pissed stained walls and the origins from which they came from, the child was immersed in an argument with his friend.

-I don’t know if this girl should come over man, Ryan’s kind of freaked out about bringing people over he doesn’t know.

-I understand but think about it this way, you’ll have a cute girl to smoke weed with.

-Yeah, well I’m putting this in your hands and anyways you have a girl.

The child laughed to himself. It’s not even on that, man. His friend placed him in the child seat and they were off. Shit dicks.